[ Ah, here's one who derives his worth from others, she thinks. It tends to be well looked upon by other humans. Selflessness and a certain civic duty toward one's neighbors. She can't claim to know it well. ]
FROM: amber@cdc.org
It makes you happy then when you see that your actions made others happy?
[In a way, yes. His mother had stressed, when raising him, kindness above all else—but her kindness was a twisted sort of thing, and it had taken him a long time and mental anguish to realize that. "Become the one who is hurt rather than the one who is hurting others. A truly kind person can find happiness in just that."
Now, he doesn't really believe in that anymore, but you can see where his martyr complex started, right? Yikes.]
[ There's no happiness in playing the victim, she thinks, but then she's no expert on things like happiness. It should be enough to survive, only some days that doesn't seem enough. Somehow. ]
FROM: amber@cdc.org
Isn't it?
FROM: amber@cdc.org
Their happiness has no direct bearing on yours. The actions you take to make them happy may be difficult instead.
[He'd deluded himself into thinking there was something noble in it.
Fortunately, he'd broken himself of that.]
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
I... apologize if I made any assumptions. I thought you were being hyperbolic about the "incapable of emotions" thing.
Is that true, then?
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
It's, ah... difficult to explain.
Even if it is an inconvenience to myself, when you put forth the effort and find that what you'd done brought happiness to someone else, there is a gratification in that.
I'm not sure if it's "happiness" exactly, but it's a positive feeling.
I enjoy knowing others are happy so, in a way, it does have a bearing on me.
Do you remember them, then? You were human before you became a contractor, right?
[Sometimes he wishes he'd been able to completely shed his old code of morality and humanity. It would've made things easier... though, no. He had to remember who he'd been or he'd lose his way, like Yomo had warned.]
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
That's a very... utilitarian way of looking at it.
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
It won't, but... sometimes it's not about what best serves one at a given time.
And I'll take the chance over the alternative.
[When he tries to take steps back and distance himself from others, he becomes a person he doesn't recognize.]
I remember nothing. They erased everything from my memory. I am only Amber.
[ She doesn't even know her real name or if she had loved ones to go home to or who she was before they used the Memory Extractor on her. Those who knew her would have had their memory wiped too. Then again, she finds she doesn't care to know. ]
FROM: amber@cdc.org
Some are more fortunate. Or less so, depending on how you look at it.
FROM: amber@cdc.org
I'd say you're too kind for your own good. But I don't want to discourage it.
Yes. I might have made life difficult for them before they did it.
FROM: amber@cdc.org
You can learn, if you want to. I can show you.
FROM: amber@cdc.org
But again, I don't want to discourage it.
[ Amber has had rather intimate experience with the likes of him. Maybe that was how she began to change herself, no longer entirely emotionless, no longer so unaffected. She wouldn't change a thing. And yet, for some, kindness may yet prove the death of them.
If she likes him better, perhaps she would ask him to be less kind to survive. Or perhaps if she respects him better, she would allow him to stay as he is. Which is the better kind of love? ]
It is an effective way to control someone, isn't it.
[There's a... pause before he replies to the rest of that. He's certainly "at risk," in a way. It had been a dangerous sort of "kindness" which had been the death of his mother, working herself to an early grave in order to support both herself, him, and his emotionally-abusive aunt. Kaneki didn't appear to have interpreted anything as cautionary. Were it not for his body's dogged determination to cling to life, he would've died multiple times over by this point, most of the time because he had tried to do something he believed was helpful to someone.
He owes her and the gravity of the offer more than just shrugging or laughing it off. He's serious when he replies.]
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
Should it ever become an issue for me while working here, I would accept your offer.
[Unfortunately, even this is done for someone other than himself. Kaneki truly doesn't care all that much for his own life—for him, it and what he's doing are just chips being used to help others back home, relying heavily on what the CDC had seemed to promise him when he had agreed to help.
It's what gave him a purpose to work for, though. Until something else became more readily available.]
If it is, I would think an entity like the CDC would resort to the same method.
[ It's not effective and she's a case in point. It would only work if the premise that Contractors are incapable of anything but logic holds. It doesn't. She's also an example. Who knows whether that says more about her or about people like her. Selfishness is also found in humanity. Sociopathy. Murderous intent. The determination to survive. Those are all human qualities too.
But kindness is rare among Contractors. ]
FROM: amber@cdc.org
Only if you wish it.
[ Maybe there will come a time when she would force it on him against his wishes. But not yet. ]
I suspect your willingness is somehow important to them.
[ Why bother employing recruiters to trick the many gullible ones here otherwise? Abducting them and brainwashing them would be so much easier if foot soldiers are all the CDC needs. She thinks it's not that simple. There's something to do with consent, but she hasn't figured it out yet. ]
FROM: amber@cdc.org
Good. I'm glad to hear it :)
[ She really is the worst person anyone could trust, if only because she would turn on her own friends for the sake of saving them through less savory means. The end justifies the means. Always. ]
It's good to be obedient. To a point. I hope you will know where that line lies, Kaneki.
[ When loyalty to oneself outweighs loyalty to the whole. But that may be useless advice given to someone like him, considering their earlier exchange. For what it's worth. ]
[Technically his obedience lies with Dagger more than anyone else—Kaneki takes the whole "hand that feeds you" thing pretty literally. But if she was relaying orders from him, he supposes it applies to Amber by proxy as well.]
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
I believe I do, but we'll just have to see.
I'll see you around, Amber.
[He'll look after himself for the benefit of those his service here was helping back home. Hopefully that would be good enough to fool people into thinking he had much of a self-preservation instinct at all (he didn't).]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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FROM: amber@cdc.org
It makes you happy then when you see that your actions made others happy?
[ This really isn't as obvious to her . . . ]
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Now, he doesn't really believe in that anymore, but you can see where his martyr complex started, right? Yikes.]
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
Yes, it does.
Is that strange to you?
[Most people don't have to ask...]
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FROM: amber@cdc.org
Isn't it?
FROM: amber@cdc.org
Their happiness has no direct bearing on yours. The actions you take to make them happy may be difficult instead.
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Fortunately, he'd broken himself of that.]
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
I... apologize if I made any assumptions. I thought you were being hyperbolic about the "incapable of emotions" thing.
Is that true, then?
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
It's, ah... difficult to explain.
Even if it is an inconvenience to myself, when you put forth the effort and find that what you'd done brought happiness to someone else, there is a gratification in that.
I'm not sure if it's "happiness" exactly, but it's a positive feeling.
I enjoy knowing others are happy so, in a way, it does have a bearing on me.
no subject
Not hyperbolic. But that isn't entirely true either.
[ No one can lose their emotions. Not completely. Not permanently. She doesn't buy that. ]
FROM: amber@cdc.org
Becoming useful to others is beneficial. It makes one less expendable.
FROM: amber@cdc.org
But that won't serve you well here.
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Do you remember them, then? You were human before you became a contractor, right?
[Sometimes he wishes he'd been able to completely shed his old code of morality and humanity. It would've made things easier... though, no. He had to remember who he'd been or he'd lose his way, like Yomo had warned.]
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
That's a very... utilitarian way of looking at it.
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
It won't, but... sometimes it's not about what best serves one at a given time.
And I'll take the chance over the alternative.
[When he tries to take steps back and distance himself from others, he becomes a person he doesn't recognize.]
no subject
I remember nothing. They erased everything from my memory. I am only Amber.
[ She doesn't even know her real name or if she had loved ones to go home to or who she was before they used the Memory Extractor on her. Those who knew her would have had their memory wiped too. Then again, she finds she doesn't care to know. ]
FROM: amber@cdc.org
Some are more fortunate. Or less so, depending on how you look at it.
FROM: amber@cdc.org
I'd say you're too kind for your own good. But I don't want to discourage it.
no subject
Do you think that makes it easier? Considering what you do.
[Which he generally has only a vague idea of, but it's enough of one to ask.]
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
I guess that's true.
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
I suppose I should say "thank you."
I can't really help but agree, but... I don't really know any other way to act.
[But yes, Amber is hitting the nail on the head here. Unfortunately, the boy is pretty set in his ways.]
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Yes. I might have made life difficult for them before they did it.
FROM: amber@cdc.org
You can learn, if you want to. I can show you.
FROM: amber@cdc.org
But again, I don't want to discourage it.
[ Amber has had rather intimate experience with the likes of him. Maybe that was how she began to change herself, no longer entirely emotionless, no longer so unaffected. She wouldn't change a thing. And yet, for some, kindness may yet prove the death of them.
If she likes him better, perhaps she would ask him to be less kind to survive. Or perhaps if she respects him better, she would allow him to stay as he is. Which is the better kind of love? ]
no subject
It is an effective way to control someone, isn't it.
[There's a... pause before he replies to the rest of that. He's certainly "at risk," in a way. It had been a dangerous sort of "kindness" which had been the death of his mother, working herself to an early grave in order to support both herself, him, and his emotionally-abusive aunt. Kaneki didn't appear to have interpreted anything as cautionary. Were it not for his body's dogged determination to cling to life, he would've died multiple times over by this point, most of the time because he had tried to do something he believed was helpful to someone.
He owes her and the gravity of the offer more than just shrugging or laughing it off. He's serious when he replies.]
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
Should it ever become an issue for me while working here, I would accept your offer.
[Unfortunately, even this is done for someone other than himself. Kaneki truly doesn't care all that much for his own life—for him, it and what he's doing are just chips being used to help others back home, relying heavily on what the CDC had seemed to promise him when he had agreed to help.
It's what gave him a purpose to work for, though. Until something else became more readily available.]
no subject
If it is, I would think an entity like the CDC would resort to the same method.
[ It's not effective and she's a case in point. It would only work if the premise that Contractors are incapable of anything but logic holds. It doesn't. She's also an example. Who knows whether that says more about her or about people like her. Selfishness is also found in humanity. Sociopathy. Murderous intent. The determination to survive. Those are all human qualities too.
But kindness is rare among Contractors. ]
FROM: amber@cdc.org
Only if you wish it.
[ Maybe there will come a time when she would force it on him against his wishes. But not yet. ]
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Now that you mention it, I wonder why they don't employ methods like that.
Possibly because some of us have powers that might be difficult to control without prior knowledge of them.
[They would not want to have to deal with an unstable half-ghoul learning how to control his powers and appetite all over again.]
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
If there comes a point where it becomes necessary to do what I must here, I won't hesitate to contact you.
[He trusts you, Amber... I mean, it's his mistake, especially after all the times he's been bitten by that trusting nature of his, but still...]
no subject
I suspect your willingness is somehow important to them.
[ Why bother employing recruiters to trick the many gullible ones here otherwise? Abducting them and brainwashing them would be so much easier if foot soldiers are all the CDC needs. She thinks it's not that simple. There's something to do with consent, but she hasn't figured it out yet. ]
FROM: amber@cdc.org
Good. I'm glad to hear it :)
[ She really is the worst person anyone could trust, if only because she would turn on her own friends for the sake of saving them through less savory means. The end justifies the means. Always. ]
no subject
Oh, that's right. They were pretty determined to get a verbal affirmation on that.
I wonder why that is...
[They resort to blackmail easily enough to get someone's agreement, so it almost seems like a moot point...]
FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
In any case, know that for the future I'm ready to listen to what you and the other lead have to say about what tasks we are given.
[Because that's what he'd originally contacted her about.]
no subject
A mystery for another day.
FROM: amber@cdc.org
It's good to be obedient. To a point. I hope you will know where that line lies, Kaneki.
[ When loyalty to oneself outweighs loyalty to the whole. But that may be useless advice given to someone like him, considering their earlier exchange. For what it's worth. ]
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FROM: kaneki.ken@cdc.org
I believe I do, but we'll just have to see.
I'll see you around, Amber.
[He'll look after himself for the benefit of those his service here was helping back home. Hopefully that would be good enough to fool people into thinking he had much of a self-preservation instinct at all (he didn't).]