[ Guilt is even more alien to her. That implies any sense of right or wrong. All she knows is that sometimes things happen in the past that you wish you could change. The only difference is that she has always been able to fix whatever she wanted to, be it in the past or the future, where others can only choose in the present.
Amber is inexperienced in regret. ]
How do you turn it into a smaller issue then?
[ Her own tone isn't confrontational. It's flat, even. Near emotionless. It's easier to fall back on this, to regress, than to make sense of it all. ]
[Good question, she thinks. If she knew the answer, she might not be here - still standing on the deck of the Normandy, Thessia burning systems away behind her and Cerberus somewhere ahead. But that isn't a possibility she likes to think about, doesn't like to consider the fact that she'd been impatient and too eager to make up for a misstep and now here she was: between a rock and a hard place of her own making.
Shepard exhales, sharp.]
Look, I'm not the best person to talk to about this. [Let's admit that right off the bat.] But in my experience? You don't. You just keep going and it happens on its own.
[ Shepard may not be the best, but she's human. That's more than can be said about herself. She was hoping that would be enough. At times like these when she barely manages to keep herself together, she returns to the tried and true method of understanding each piece like a puzzle to be solved. Contractor-like. If she can understand it rationally, then maybe-- ]
You could tell me it gets better with time. [ She turns back to the other woman, expectant. ] Does it?
It goes away. [Or gets easier to ignore. She's a professional when it comes to compartmentalization; the difference between the two doesn't really matter to her.] As long as you're moving forward, you'll leave the hard parts behind you.
[Saying it like that makes it sound like bullshit to her own ears, but she doesn't really know how to put it differently. Forward momentum has been her go-to strategy for as long as she can remember - kept her alive on Earth and kept her alive in the Alliance and is keeping her alive, technically, now.
Can't beat a strategy with that kind of track record.]
[ In hindsight, she doesn't even know why she asked that of Shepard when she so readily rejects the option. Maybe the denial goes away with time too. Maybe. Though she can't imagine it from where she stands at the moment.
Amber clenches her fists, releases, then heaves a slow sigh. ]
You should know I haven't stopped trying to save him.
[ That is, she won't. Death isn't all powerful. She has defied it for his sake one too many times for this instance to be the one she fails in. ]
[If Amber's expecting Shepard to talk her down, she won't get it. Instead, she gives her a frank look - cut and dry when she says:] Good. If you think there's a way, there's no reason to. But regret shouldn't have anything to do with it. If there's a problem, fix it.
[Death wasn't an insurmountable thing - not here, not even back where she'd come from; that fact that she was here, sitting on the chill deck of the CDC's observation deck, was proof enough of that. As backwards as it might sound given the whole 'move forward' mantra, she wasn't here to tell anyone to stop trying.
--Just to stop torturing themselves over the want to.]
[ That's a surprising response to what she understands is her own stubbornness. One too many people have told her to grieve, let go and move on, with a few trying to shake some sense into her. Others, like Havoc, simply let things be, knowing that arguing with Amber about Hei is a pointless exercise. Encouragement is few and far between.
The surprise doesn't quite show on her face, but she does watch Shepard more intensely. ]
I won't attend the memorial. [ Even if she knows that already. ] It doesn't mean I don't appreciate it.
[Simple as that, over and done with. For a moment her fingers twitch at her knee with the habitual urge to offer her hand again - it hasn't exactly been 'her pleasure' or any of that crap given the circumstances, but Amber had spoken to her when she didn't have to. When most people wouldn't or didn't. But she stills her hand at the too smooth fabric of her pant leg and instead settles for a curt nod over a closing handshake. The first attempt hadn't gone very well anyway.]
And I appreciate you talking to me. I hope you find a way to get what you want.
[Presumptuous to offer something like 'if you need help, let me know', so she doesn't. Not her fight anyway.]
[ That's a good move; holding back on the handshake. Amber does notice and makes a note of it to remember next time (give Shepard a well-deserved handshake). That may be a long time coming considering the circumstance and the state of her mind but, as they say, she has all the time in the world. ]
I hope you do too.
[ Thank you doesn't come to mind as easily as it should, but the sentiment would have been genuine. ]
[What she wants? If she thinks about it, it's a long list and none of it worth airing out here. Not the time, maybe not the person (maybe there's never the right person for that). So Shepard settles for a tip of the head, something like an acknowledging nod as she gets her feet back under her.]
Thanks. [For a a beat she glances away, casts her attention around the observation deck with the stars beyond the viewing window at her back. She flicks her attention back to Amber.] I'll see you around, Amber.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Amber is inexperienced in regret. ]
How do you turn it into a smaller issue then?
[ Her own tone isn't confrontational. It's flat, even. Near emotionless. It's easier to fall back on this, to regress, than to make sense of it all. ]
no subject
Shepard exhales, sharp.]
Look, I'm not the best person to talk to about this. [Let's admit that right off the bat.] But in my experience? You don't. You just keep going and it happens on its own.
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You could tell me it gets better with time. [ She turns back to the other woman, expectant. ] Does it?
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[Saying it like that makes it sound like bullshit to her own ears, but she doesn't really know how to put it differently. Forward momentum has been her go-to strategy for as long as she can remember - kept her alive on Earth and kept her alive in the Alliance and is keeping her alive, technically, now.
Can't beat a strategy with that kind of track record.]
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Amber clenches her fists, releases, then heaves a slow sigh. ]
You should know I haven't stopped trying to save him.
[ That is, she won't. Death isn't all powerful. She has defied it for his sake one too many times for this instance to be the one she fails in. ]
You will see.
no subject
[Death wasn't an insurmountable thing - not here, not even back where she'd come from; that fact that she was here, sitting on the chill deck of the CDC's observation deck, was proof enough of that. As backwards as it might sound given the whole 'move forward' mantra, she wasn't here to tell anyone to stop trying.
--Just to stop torturing themselves over the want to.]
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The surprise doesn't quite show on her face, but she does watch Shepard more intensely. ]
I won't attend the memorial. [ Even if she knows that already. ] It doesn't mean I don't appreciate it.
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[Simple as that, over and done with. For a moment her fingers twitch at her knee with the habitual urge to offer her hand again - it hasn't exactly been 'her pleasure' or any of that crap given the circumstances, but Amber had spoken to her when she didn't have to. When most people wouldn't or didn't. But she stills her hand at the too smooth fabric of her pant leg and instead settles for a curt nod over a closing handshake. The first attempt hadn't gone very well anyway.]
And I appreciate you talking to me. I hope you find a way to get what you want.
[Presumptuous to offer something like 'if you need help, let me know', so she doesn't. Not her fight anyway.]
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I hope you do too.
[ Thank you doesn't come to mind as easily as it should, but the sentiment would have been genuine. ]
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Thanks. [For a a beat she glances away, casts her attention around the observation deck with the stars beyond the viewing window at her back. She flicks her attention back to Amber.] I'll see you around, Amber.
[And then she's off - work to do.]